The Life and Times of Poopwa Foley

Archive for the ‘Santa’ Category

It was a Christmas present, my new Nook.  I found out later that the very child I had made fun of for going out shopping on Black Friday had, in fact, waited in line for a very long, long time at a local store to buy a Nook for her mommy, at a very, very good price. 
by adam r
not exactly a Nook, but you get the idea.
All that and a gift card to fill it!  And didn’t I feel like a horse’s ass for teasing?
I immediately mess it up play with it, in the process downloading what I found out later was a very norty book veiled as a romance novel.  It amounted to poorly written erotica.  I read skimmed it and wished for a red pen the entire time.  Don’t these people even edit?  Or attend church?
I figured out how to find the good books, the really good books, and managed to blow through my gift card in under seven minutes.  I also had several books pop up in my library that I didn’t order.  In chatting with a friend later, I discovered that she too had a couple show up in her Nook, uninvited, right around the time she had gone into (rhymes with Smarms & Coble) where there is wifi, as opposed to her home, which is wifi-lacking.
She went back in to Smarms & Coble to find out why these books were downloaded into her library and wouldn’t you know it, those books were gone.  Missing.  She was unable to find them anywhere in her Nook and hadn’t pushed any buttons to remove them.  Now, my friend is not a stupid person and has not begun seeing things that aren’t there.  Yet.
However, the skeevy bookstore employee obviously decided to have a little fun with her.
Friend:  Hi, I was just wondering why books I didn’t buy are being downloaded to my Nook? (Hands over Nook)
Bookstore:  (scrolls through her Nook library.)  You must have downloaded them.  Or someone lent them to you.  But they’re not in here anymore.
Friend:  (grabs Nook back, pages through) What the…They were just there!!! 
Bookstore:  (shrugs) Well, they’re not there now.  Next customer in line?
Friend:  Now, wait just a damn minute.  I can barely download books I want, much less lend stuff I didn’t buy!
Bookstore:  If they were ever even there (smirking) I’m thinking maybe that’s exactly what you did; you lent them to someone.  You can do that, you know, lend your Nook library to someone.  It’s in the directions.  That’s probably what you did.
Friend:  (voice is rising a little bit) I didn’t lend them to anyone!  I just got this thing, and I can’t work it; what makes you think that I am so technologically gifted that suddenly I learned how to share my library with someone?
Bookstore:  I’m just saying you probably touched your Nook to someone else’s.  Did you touch Nooks?  
Friend:  (gasps) I’ve never, even seen another person’s Nook, much less touch them together or let someone touch mine!  I’m not that kind of person!
Bookstore:  You had to have touched Nooks with someone.  It’s ok; we all want to see what other people’s Nooks look like.  It’s human nature.  Some people cover their Nooks with special decorations and some people just let them be au natural.  (Giggles) 
Friend:  (quietly, defeated) Mine has a light on it so I can use it in bed.
Bookstore:  Oh, a party girl, huh? 
Because I was laughing so hard as she related that story to me, I hardly heard anything past “touching Nooks together.”
Wait…I think I already downloaded that book.
Dear Santa. 
I have penned several letters to you this year, all of them unanswered.  This time, I waited until my human went to bed to use the laptop.  Although you can’t read dog, I’m pretty sure you can read Times New Roman.   
Santa, I have been a very good boy this year.  I know this because my humans have told me so, over and over again, especially when I’m outside using the potty.   
Do you remember that present I asked for last year?  A new playmate?  And you bought the kitten we named Miss Whiskers?  The one that showed up with a red bow on her tiny little kitten head?   
It turns out that kittens are all cute and fluffy when you get them.  Harmless.  Tiny.  Adorable.  And then, before you know it, they turn on you. Santa, I don’t want bones or chew toys this year.  I don’t want a stuffing free animal.  (You and I both know I can tear that thing apart)  
What I would really like this year is this:  when you come to drop off the presents under the tree for my people, take that cat back with you.  Please.  That cat is a total beach.  I know this because I heard my human say, “That cat is a beach.  She never comes when I call.”  
And she is so mean!  She hisses at me constantly, tricking my owners into thinking I’m the one being naughty.  If I try to make friends and wag my tail at her, she tries to bite it.  Once I bowed to her (yes, I’ll admit I was being sarcastic) and barked, and she whapped me across the nose. What other choice did I have but to chase her throughout the house?  It got me nowhere but chained up outside for an hour.  Don’t get me wrong.  I like outside, Santa, but the cat laid on the windowsill the entire time mocking me.  It stung.  I was humiliated.   
She frames me for household crimes, too.  She unrolled the entire roll of toilet paper and left some by me while I napped.  I got blamed.  She got up on the counter and knocked down the box of dog treats on accident.  I know that mice can be a problem in the neighborhood so, Santa, I was merely keeping our home rodent free when I ate them all up.  Did they thank me?  No.  I got a newspaper swat on the rear. 
The worst thing, though, is that Miss Whiskers hides.  She hides.  And when I least expect it, she springs up from her hiding spot behind a door or whatnot and scares me half to death.  Twice now, the fright has been enough to make me piddle a little bit on the floor.  I bet you can guess who they blamed for that one too. 
As you can see, she has to go. 
Cooper (the Dog) 
PS  Sorry about the Christmas tree.  The beach knocked it over.

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  • Mary Fran Says: Thank you for contributing to Sweeps Week! We make a great team. Maybe we'll collaborate in our next lives? SISTERS! lol :)
  • Mary Fran Says: What's better than a Baby Shower aka Early Baby Birthday Party? Baby's FIRST Birthday Party! (Although it's hard to call them "baby" by one! They grow
  • Ann Jones: I'll have to check it out, thanks for the heads up!